Happiness

I think I have lost the meaning of happiness. Feeling alone and empty even when there are people around.Ita easy to say ; it's your life and only you can find your way to happiness. Practically it's a little hard. Situations make it really difficult. I have been having the worst years of my life for the past 2-3 years. sometimes I even feel like ending it all. Running to death is pure cowardness. Thats the only thing that keeps me going. I smile , laugh ... but it's my way of hiding all those bits and pieces of emotions that I'm afraid I might slip out by chance. The meaning of a mother ; it's has no meaning if my life. I have so much of hatred , fustration and anger towards that word. I stopped using that word. I am angry with god that he gave me such a life ; but I'm appreciately that he didn't submerge me completely in pain and torture and well full of sadness. This feeling of emptiness; I don't know when it is going to kill me. I don't know how long more I have the energy to keep up. God if u had set a death date for me , I pray it's as early as possible. I find no meaning living this life.